Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize