I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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