just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
