Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
