She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
