sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
