Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize