i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
