ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
