You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize