I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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