i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
