there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
