You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
