he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
