just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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