If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
