Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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