I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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