you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
