Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
