i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
