i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize