i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
and she was petting her beer can
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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