Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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