I cockslap morals
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
