Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
