somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize