I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
