He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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