So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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