Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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