just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think weed is turning my hair brown
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