I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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