pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
