i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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