'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize