Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
