I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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