And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize