At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
