I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
