Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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