this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
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