Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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