I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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