just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
