Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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