i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize