She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize