I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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