Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
