Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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