maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize