That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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