he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
