**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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