listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
